Title

I dont think i can talk to my parent about my marriage with the cousin nor any close relatives.So should i try to say her directly thru my another close cousin that i want to marry her in future ?

Question

I am 20 years old. I have crush on my cousin's daughter who is 19 years old, as they've visited us in Pakistan for a month. Now i live in Chicago and she lives in Seatle. We never chat before on internet nor on phone due to family problems.

Now we are one again in sense that our family and her family are now speaking and met each other alhamdulilah. I never revealed that I like her or something before.

As i see in this generation and era. Everyone has a boyfriend and they are not that much religious as expected. I have heard that she is religious and going to a Islamic school from starting. Maybe i am going to visit her next year. And have planned to marry her in future inshallah but no one knows about it so should i discuss this matter to someone?

I dont think i can say this to my parent nor any close relatives.So should i try to say her directly thru my another close cousin that i want to marry her in future so that when ever time comes she get to know and handle the situation at her side.

Jazakumullah khair

Answer

Assalāmu `alaikum Warahmatullāhi Wabrakatuh,

Marriage is a huge step in ones life. Before marriage a person is independent in many aspects of his life, in his temperament, time, finances etc. After marriage that independency has to be compromised to facilitate for ones marriage partner. A married person has to adjust his temperament, his time, his finances and much more to achieve the desired objective of marriage being peace and tranquility.

The degree of adjustment in these basic issues depends on the type of the marriage partner. If the temperament of the spouses and other basic demands of life are on complete opposite variables, then the spouses will never achieve peace and tranquility through the marriage. The opposing natures will always come in the way of peace and happiness. That is why Shariah has encouraged to consider compatibility between spouses. A compatible marriage partner is paradise on earth. A non compatible marriage partner is hell on earth.

You state you are 20. You decided to marry your cousin based on you having a crush on her.

As stated above, there are many crucial issues to consider before making a decision to marry a person. You are young. You do not understand the deep and broad implications of marriage and what to see in a person to determine compatibility in marriage. People who have gone through the experiences of life have a trained mind and wisdom to guide on such intricate issues. You cannot simply convey a message to the girl of your intention. Furthermore, if you do that, she may not think like you and conceal your message from her parents and seniors. That news may ultimately reach your parents. Consider the implications of that. How your parents may feel.

You are growing up. There is a biological change taking place in you. It is natural. If you need to get married, you should discuss this with your parents. Do not say you cannot discuss this with them. They know you are an adult and know the developments of natural feelings. You are no more a minor. Build the courage and broach the topic with them gradually. They are your parents. They love you and know you. They will tell you things nobody will tell you. Let them be part of your thoughts and feelings. Their advices and guidance will nurture your maturity.

And Allah Ta'āla Knows Best,

Muftī Ebrahim Desai

Daruliftaa
35 Candella Rd, Durban, South Africa

www.daruliftaa.net