Title

Unanswered

Question

I am married into a joint family,  (my husband 31, his parents, 28 years old sister, and a brother 29). I been married for 8 months and now 3.5 months pregnant.  They all seemed very nice people before marriage, my whole family met them including the extended family.  They all appeared so loving and caring. 
 
It is not a religious family, but very superstitious (oil is spilled on a certain day of the week then its good, if yogurt or milk is spilled then "bala" is out of the house, glass is broken then etc etc.)I have never heard of these things 'till I married him.  They watch TV from evening to 3-4 in the morning, none of them pray namaz (they say they pray whenever they have time, but they don't) very modern, they have family pictures on the wall, they have people portraits, and animal sculptures in the house.  Husband is out most of the day.  Husband does everything mother ask him to do, even though its wrong and he knows its wrong he tells me its still right because his mother said it. 
  
I was working full time (it was my choice to work since I didn't want to stay home with his Mom and sis all day, they were always on my back).  I had an excellent job with great benefits, am educated with a demanding profession can make a good living on my own.  Despite working I took care of every member of the house (cooked/served them, cleaned after them, packed there lunches,etc.) and took care of all the household chores, never neglected any of my duties as a wife i.e. if husband had to go to work at 5AM I would wake up get his clothes ready, prepare breakfast, pack his lunch, keep his cell phone, wallet, keys in place, etc. I did everything including most of the cooking, his mom would not let me do it all even if I wanted to, she didn't want to let go the control of the kitchen.  I used to call home from work everyday at least twice no matter how busy I was just to find out if she/family was doing well, eaten, what will be for dinner, etc. 
 
I am a quiet but independent person.  I do let people push me around and don't say much.  Money I made from my job was going into an account with my husband and I.  Recently, I realized all the money is gone he never discussed with me, he took it without asking, but he tells me front of all his family "you are not doing us a favor by working so don't expect us to appreciate it." 
 
Since I have been married his mother creating fights between my husband and I.  There were days while am at work mother would keep husband (her son) home late so she can sit him down and voice complains.  He would never stay late on my days off. She fills up his head with many things (backbiting, lies, accusations).  He never asks me what she is saying is right or wrong. Somehow automatically always my fault.  He tells me "you are always wrong in my eyes, somehow it happens to be that way." Husband and all in the family has very bad temper.  I was barely home or have any chance to do anything to anyone in the house because job and house work kept me very busy.  We've had many fights where he, his father, sister, and mother disrespects, belittles, and degrades me and my family front of everyone I just take it - I never answer them back.  I have cried many times alone - I have not enjoyed my married life at all. 

 They have a family business, they eat dinner around 10:30 or 11PM then watch TV he never came to bed earlier then 12:00AM, if not later because he is spending time with his parents and siblings. I used to beg him to take me out, spend more time with me, come to bed early so we can have some time together.   When I try and talk to my husband about how I feel we just end up arguing. I feel in my heart I have started to resent my husband for not considering my feelings. I feel as if he is only concerned about his family. I feel living with his family, and his inability to stand up for me has caused scars on our marriage. I feel like I left my whole life,  my friends, and my family to be with him, I try my best to be the best wife and the daughter-in law and in return I get nothing.
 
In 6 months living there I lost 13 pounds. I cannot eat, his mother watches me when I eat, she counts how many chapatis I eat, how much rice I eat.   Am not allowed to pray in just any room of the house, they have a designated room for prayers, which is next to the TV room.  Everytime go for prayers have to ask to lower the volume, to do isha it takes me minimum 30 mints., they lose patience and the volume go up.  Also, they don't believe in praying isha after 12AM, I know we can pray isha till fajr, but cannot make them understand this.

Since they close the stores early on Sundays, most Sundays are movie/family night, go to a late show, which is not over after midnight.  I cannot go to the bathroom without permission, always constipated 6-7 days straight.   She has a lot of rules for me like you cannot talk like this, cannot eat like this, cannot sit in the sofa like this.   Husband and I are not allowed to sit next to eachother.  We cannot leave the house without their permission.  If husband ever takes me out, which happened very minimum and with a lot of begging we have to keep constant touch with them let them know where we have gone, where we gona eat, etc.  Husband will also keep constant eye on time.  The truth is we spend most of the time with the family.  When we go out, he and I cannot walk together, his brother and/or sis has to be in the middle.  God forbid if any of these rules are broken there will be a chaos in the house, its their way or no way. 
 
Mom is not ready to let go of her kids, her second son not getting any marriage proposals because noone wants to marry into a joint family.  Her daughter has a proposal in progress for over a year and half but they keep on pushing it off.   
 
I came to know that I am pregnant and was going through a lot of morning sickness and other changes but there was no sympathy from any of them.  I quit my job, convinced husband to bring me to parent's house.  Before I left husband's house I didn't tell him that I quit my job, neither did I tell him that I don't plan to come back because I was affraid that he may not bring me to my parent's house and create a huge scene.  Once I reached my parent's place then I told him I quit my job and "I am not coming back." They are two face, first they tell to work is my own choice and I can quit whenever I want but when I left job they tell understanding wife would never do that in this economy we don't have a medical insurance, etc.  

My husband was married in the past, his ex from India left him within a year due to "mistreatment", he was back and forth in the court for three months and finally found guilty of "unfit husband" and ended up paying lump some to the ex.  Right now am at my parent's place, him and his family blaming me for everything that has  happened.  My husband trying to convince me to come back, he is promising me things will be different, he will not yell or disrespect me, he will pay more attention to my needs.  But at the same time he tells me he doesn't want to convince me, force me, nor he ask to give him a chance.  He wants me to come back at my own will and accept things as they are. I am affraid.  I feel  he is not genuine, he is saying whatever his mother asking him to say to bring me back.  I been at my Mom's place about 2.5 months, he has come to visit and whenever he comes I get stressed out again, due to lack of energy I skip prayers, or read Q'uran, I can't eat or go to the bathroom he gives me a lot of grief I tell him this but he tells me it's all in my head.  Once he leaves it takes me almost two days to be normal. Also, in the last two months there has been a lot of over the phone word exchages between the two families (blaming, accusations).  There has been some fights between husband and me saying a lot of hurtful things to each other.  All of this without reaching any common grounds.
 
They want to throw a huge baby shower, (godh bharai) and show off to the world, I don't believe in such things.  I feel environment is very hostile. I feel like am walking on egg shells every second. His mother is giving us a permission to stay separate but she is saying it in such a way that make him feel guilty.  She goes "you can live separate but what kind of a person would separate son from his mother, his family...what you think you'll stay happy?"  He never wants to hear anything against his family, yet they can say whatever they want.  He keeps on saying no way in this world he is going to leave his family and stay separate.  
 
They have a lot of money he can easily get me a separate place.  They do a lot of fazool kharch, entertainment, expensive clothes, and jewelry.  They believe in living life to the fullest (eat good food, go out, wear brand name clothes, etc.) because life is short.  I always tell my husband you can do all this but you should also spend time doing dhikr, salaat, giving thanks to Allah (swt) for all he has given because that is all going to help us in akhiraat. 
 
In the house we are at right now there is no privacy, we have our own room but they have this rule that everybody has to know everything.  The bedroom door has to be kept open at all times.  They walk into the room anytime they want. The mother and daughter has gone through my stuff more than once in my absebce, I can tell things have been touched.  If we go shopping the bags have to be placed in the middle of the living room and at night after dinner you have to take out one item at a time show it around to everyone no matter how private it is.    
 
I am a very simple, quiet girl who believes in leading an Islamic lifestyle.  Am not fond of TV or movies, music, etc. neither do I fancy expensive brand name clothes, shoes, etc. they knew this of me before marriage, but he is asking me to adjust to their lifestyle. I tried but its not possible. I have a constant guilty feeling for missing salaats, missed fasting because my health was deteriorating, have no time to read Q'uran.  

 Am trying to convince myself to go back, give him a chance but yet my heart doesnt want to, it will be going against my will.  Also, being 4 months pregnant I feel its not the healthiest environment to be in neither its the healthiest place to raise a child.  I don't trust my husband becuase he doesn't have a mind of his own, and definitely don't trust his family.  I feel like 5 against me alone I can't do it. 

I have no intention of separating him from his family, just want to live a peaceful life. I have tried to talk to the husband many different occasions, tried to explain to him how I feel but he chooses the ignore.   He is not ready to listen at any cost about wife's rights and husbands rights/duties in Islam.  Him and his family tells me and my Mom it is my "farz" to  serve/cater/please/take care of his family, and keep his family together no matter what.  Even though am at my parent's place he wants me to call his Mom everyday and I didn't call her for two months finally when he came over he made me talk to her on the phone she was very rude and harsh.  I told him about it he goes well she has a right to be that way you didn't call her for over two months, you have a bad nature, you don't know how to respect elders, etc.  He tells me they can say whatever they want don't take it to the heart, hear it from one ear and get it out from the other.  I didn't only married him but I married 5 people.  If I had not been pregnant I would have stuck around but in this condition I couldn't take the torture.

 Right now, don't want to call his Mom it stresses me out just the thought of it.  I have asked him to stop calling me because most times we end up arguing.  I have also asked him not to come and visit me for the same reasons.  Asked him to be just let me be for now, I feel much happier and content this way.  My family is in support of any decision I take.  They feel I should go back but knowing all this, they will be constantly worried sick about me.  I feel it is a situation where no company is better than bad company.  I still feel confused as to what to do, because whatever choice I make I have to accept the consequences.
 
I prayed istikharah to guide me but didn't get any sign, will pray again.  Please advise! Thank you! 

 Wassalamu Alaykum