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Unanswered

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As-Salamu Alaikum,
Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Rahim
I am from India and live in a hostel. Below are the problems I face. Please read it completely so that you can solve my problem. If I ask questions, they will be too many.
It's not a story.


I have been facing a problem for more than 1 year now. Every morning (almost )when I get up, I see some spots on my underwear. Sometimes they are the size of rice grain or smaller or sometimes few multiple of the size of rice grain. Spots are as such that I can remove them by just scratching with my nails. These spots sometimes so superficial that if I go for urination without checking my underwear for spots, they might fade enough to become almost invisible; ofcourse unless I am thorough with my checking. I don't have enough knowledge whether that makes ghusl compulsory for me or not. In almost all of such cases, I don't remember having  any wet dream. Moreover, I cannot say whether it is Mani and Mazi as not only it becomes dry by the time I get up but also because of the small size of the spots. When I know I have wet dreams, I just know it and I usually take ghusl, but I am not sure about these.
                      It really depresses me as I don't want these things to happen. I want to be be paak but I cannot be.Once I notice those spots in the morning I prefer not to touch the clothes I am wearing until I take a ghusl and change the clothes and don't allow anyone to touch them too. I keep my arms away from my body just to prevent them from touching my clothes. This frustrates my parents when I am at home. They advised me, scolded me, but I just could not change because I think the clothes have become napaak too. I don't sleep during the day to avoid losing my taharat or janabat even though I am not sure I am losing my taharat or janabat.
 I used to get up for Fajr prayers but now I don't since this problem started. I feel bad about it. I used to masturbate but left it since I started to go for namaz. But in the college there were few incidents when I got astray. But this was before this problem started. Now I have left it.

Now-a-days it is taking me more than 1 hour to take bath  with a ghusl. I feel really embarrassed when taking ghusl because of the sound produced while gargling as people in the hostel sometimes ask what is that?  I find it hard to gargle ( Is it necessary to gargle in farz ghusl ). I am not convinced that I have gargled well until I feel water in my throat. I cannot convince myself that I have rinsed my nose until I feel water in the back of my nose or until I hold water in my nose then release to make sure I have put water in my nose. Even though I take ghusl under shower I keep rubbing my body and am not convinced that the body has become wet until I rub the whole body with hands.
I use a lot of water for bathing and ghusl. When I am in the hostel the shower is on almost 70-80% of time I am in bathroom.
The long time taken in taking bath caused my feet to crack and it used to hurt badly and sometimes even bleeded when I unkowningly stretched my toes a little more than usual like in running. My feet got swollen because this. Thanks to Allah this craking of feet problem got cured recently. But I fear it would come back unless I start spending less time in water.



One more problem I am facing is I am never sure about my taharat. That means whenever I go for urination, I first feel like checking my underwear whether I have broken my taharat because of some dirty thought. And anything I see on my underwear confuses me even more. Any shiny spot no matter how small or just some shiny thread or anything sometimes puts me in doubt. If I don't check my underwear I won't even know about these things. This habit had forced me to go for urination may be only 1 or 2 times in the whole day once I have taken bath. This unfortunately means I have to drink less water during the day (sometimes as less as 1 glass or 2 that too during the meals.) when I am required to drink atleast 3-4 litres of water. I feel this will severely affect my health. I am just about 5'6' tall and wiegh 45 KG which means I am heavily under weight.

I just go on using tissue paper when I go for urination and it sometimes hurts as I use force to wipe the private parts otherwise I will not be convinced that I have retained my taharat. I am not sure how much of water to use for taharat after urination (Will just putting water on private part after urination will help me retain my taharat). In office I use water after wiping my private parts with tissue paper. If I feel I have lost my taharat and have to go for urination then again rises the problem that I won't allow specific parts of my clothes to touch anything. I have to go to office. I am not able to use the same dress for the second time because of this problem. I cannot wash one dress everyday. I just cannot.
I do not touch my napaak clothes even if they are dry. I don't know if touching dry napaak clothes will make my hands napaak.

I cannot pray well.
I find it hard to pray silently. I used to pray so loudly that in the mosque near my college where I used to study, people offered namaz maintaining suitable distance from me so that I don't disturb them because of my loud sound. They used to complain to me about this but I could not help myself. Once a man turned and asked me to pray silently while I was in my namaaz and he was praying next to me. It takes me very long time to pray. So much so that it's been a while that I have prayed the 4 rakaat sunnat in Zuhr before the farz. I now usually offer these sunnat after my farz in Zuhr. The 15 minute gap between azaan and jamaat is not enough for me to do wuzu and offer 4 rakaat sunnat. Even after completing namaaz I do sajda sahu because I feel I do lot of mistakes in namaaz and I am sometimes not sure whether I have read namaaz correctly . Ishaa namaaz (i pray just 9 rakaats) takes me around 1/2 an hour to complete and it's same with Zuhr and this is without ghair mouqeda sunnat and without nafl. It sometimes take even more time as I have to repeat namaaz. I feel embarrassed on how people look at me because of my loud sound while praying and the weird expressions of face I make  while praying. I am usually exhausted after the namaaz especially after Ishaa and Zuhr and I feel loss of breathe. This is really taking me away from namaaz. I don't really feel happy about going for namaaz. I have already stopped praying Nafl prayers in Zuhr, Maghrib and Ishaa. The exhaustion with the loss of breathe and the inability to pray silently are really taking me away from namaaz. Sometimes by the time my sajda sahu for farz rakaat are over people have already completed their namaaz and left the mosque. I am left alone in the mosque. Any noise distracts me. I have got really weak in my imaan. I just fiind it really hard to pray silently.
I find hard to pronounce Bismillah .............
I feel like starting any good work in th name of Allah but I find it hard to pronounce. Now I started speaking it in urdu like "Allah ke naam se". But I am still not sure of it.


I even find it hard to  read normal duas in my mind like one for for eating our food or  one for going to toilet.
I am finding it hard to go for namaz in the office as it takes me too long to pray.


When I am in night shift, I sometimes miss my Zuhr namaaz at 1:15 PM even if I get up at 11 AM because of the time  it takes for me to do take bath, perform ghusl. And this has become a daily ritual for me.



I have developed a habit of washing my hands with soap after touching everything I consider napaak. I use so much soap that my hands look dry and white because of soap and these white marks don't go just by washing in water. I have to apply oil or water.
I am always lost in thoughts. I feel lonely as I know my friends won't understand my problem.



Overall, I spend most of the time in the day to make sure that I have attained the purity which includes 1 hour of bath in the morning followed by series of washing my spectacles, belt, comb, wiping mobile etc. etc. because I feel they too have become napaak as I might have touched them with dirty hands or after I have lost the taharat in office
I spend 9 hours in the office plus almost 1 1/2  hour of commuting time and nearly 1 hour in bathroom which leaves very little time for myself. I have cut short of my time in Ibadat. I know it is wrong but I feel helpless.

I never thought of myself to be like this. I was such good in my daily routine, so desciplined that my parents gave my example to my brothers. Unfortunately not anymore.

Allah given you the relevant knowledge.
Help me for Allah's sake.

Allah Haafiz